The Five Heartbeats

** NOTE: below is written as if I were really writing to Fox Home Video...who knows, maybe I really will, but it's mainly just a rant :)


Dear Sir or Madam:

Hello, my name is Bruce Milton. I'm writing to you today about a movie in your film library that you may or may not know about and how you've messed it up. The movie is called The Five Heartbeats.

I'm 32 years old, so the 90's were my teenage years. I remember movies especially of that time period and how there was a new black Renaissance in filmmaking due to movies like "Boyz N The Hood," "New Jack City," and "Menace II Society." But in the midst of all those action-heavy, very violent films, there were a few that were different and broke through, received just as well, but not as talked about. The Five Heartbeats is one of them. The movie tells the story of five friends who form an R&B singing group and, through the decades, go through various trials and tribulations both together and as individuals. It's wonderful in the way it makes you feel you're a part of the group and get to share in their rise to fame...and their eventual downfall as is typical of a lot of musical acts. Directed by Robert Townsend (who stars, co-wrote, and produced the film as well), it very much plays as his love letter to the doo-wop and Motown groups he--and I--grew up listening to and gives us insight on what it was like for entertainers then and pretty much in the industry now.

So what's my problem with you? Why did I say you've "messed it up?" Well, in 2002, you FINALLY, finally released the film on DVD, much to the delight of its fans. It was no huge collector's edition set or anything; you just gave us a prepackaged featurette shot at the time of the movie, a trailer, some bio on Mr. Townsend, pretty nice anamorphic transfer and clean up of the film, and that's it. But that's okay. I understand that the way things are going now, sometimes barebones DVDs have to be put out just so the public can have the opportunity to even see a film, because most places only sell/rent DVDs anymore, unless you own the original VHS. I bought this DVD hoping and praying someday you'd realize you should revisit this title and give it the treatment it deserves.

Flash forward to a couple of months ago, January of this year, and you bring joy to Mudville--you release a new version. And not just any version, a 15th Anniversary Special Edition! Hallelujah! You heard our prayers! I'm thinking that I've got the best the studio has to offer on this set, with Fox's record of doing very good collector's editions of DVDs. Alas, you supremely disappointed me. Not only do we get the featurette that was on the first disc, but the new featurette that's touted on the back cover? It's nothing more than chopped together bits from that featurette and some older interview footage! Actually, it's easier for me to say the things you did do right: the behind the scenes stuff on the music, the filmmaker's mindset, and deleted scenes were on point. And thanks so much for including the soundtrack with the purchase of the DVD; I finally can toss out my cassette tape. But you mean to tell me you couldn't do a retrospective of this movie? You couldn't go back and interview Mr. Townsend about a movie that was far superior to anything he made after that point and I'd like to think is his crowning achievement? You couldn't interview many of the actors now who were in the movie, who have gone on to much bigger things since this was made? This movie practically made Leon's career! Harry Lennix is currently co-starring in the hit "Commander in Chief!" Michael Wright got leading roles in major movies! You still have pioneers like Diahann Carroll around, could've done a retrospective on Harold Nicholas of the Nicholas brothers who just recently passed away! For God's sake, Kennan Ivory Wayans co-wrote this thing and his insight on how that went for he and Mr. Townsend back in the day to get this made and how he feels about it now looking back are surely worth an interview!

The Five Heartbeats is by no means what I consider a perfect movie. I still have problems in the third act when the group hits the 1970s and breaks up, and all the reconcilliation and stuff happens way too fast for me. But it is a beloved movie. It is a great movie. It deserved better than the treatment you gave it. As a filmmaker, I'd almost say I'd have done the legwork on these interviews for free because I love this movie so much and I know others do, too. We as fans deserve more than what you gave. This is not to say, however, that you should do a third DVD release of this film. The only thing worse than doing a "special edition" injustice is to repeatedly do different editions of a film, gouging the public for more money of a disc they already own and thought was the end-all-be-all version. My point is, we understand if you want to get out that barebones DVD to get the film out in the public water. But when you sit down and do a special edition of a DVD, or something as illustrious as an "anniversary edition," put some effort into it. Make us relive why we loved that particular movie while giving us some new insight into it to make us that more appreciative. Make it an event. Don't get lazy and sloppy and think we'll just take anything. Because eventually, we won't.

Thank you.

24 This Week: 3/27/06

Okay, so perhaps this is the second time this season no episode has been more anticipated, as we finally find out...bum, bum, bum... if Audrey's a traitor--deal or no deal! (sorry, had to do that :)

And you know of course this has to be one of my favorite episodes this week as we not only continue the tradition of good "24" storytelling, but....no President Logan, yay!!! I know I heap loads and loads of venom on the poor guy, but honestly, you know you want to put him on a one-way trip into the woods with Dick Cheney, too. Don't deny it ;) So now, without further adieu, what have we learned this week!:

--that I had the Full Metal Jacket line "Let me see your war face" playing in my head as they did that close up on Jack as he realized he was going to have to interrogate the hell out of Audrey. I thought for sure he'd do things that would scare the beejeezus outta that girl and their love would be ruined, but evidently you only choke the ones you love and they shared a tender kiss after he got enough out of her to believe she was innocent. Moments like the game face show what a terrific actor Keifer is, although I will admit that in watching the preview during the commercial break for his new movie "The Sentinel" where he plays a Secret Service agent, he does a lot of the Jack Bauer yelling and pointing a gun threateningly at people. But he does it SO well!

--that we get a spotlight on a background character in Burke, the interrogator, in this episode. We don't learn where's he's from or that he likes cocoa and Neil Diamond, but we get hints that he, too, comes from the Jack Bauer school of badass-ness--just the J.V. team, not Varsity. And I mean, come on, let's face it, if your job was to cause people pain all the time and that's all you did, you wouldn't be all warm and fuzzy anyway. And now that's the second time we've seen a CTU agent be the one in the hot box with Burke (three if you count Spencer). I know being in there would make me think twice about being a double agent, that's for sure. And Burke gets to show off a little: In a "I'm not fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe moment," Burke whips out that tazer gun pretty quick on Jack when he resists handing Audrey over like he knew there'd be a problem. Now THAT'S how you handle Jack Bauer if you want to take him down. Gotta know that the man WILL take you down if you give him some resistence and prepare accordingly. Generally, we learn though, when Burke is involved, there is no fun for you.

--we learn that the people at the gas plant haven't learned anything from the mechanic dude: The bad guys will kill you, period. They don't care. That's why they're called--everybody now--bad guys. They will not spare your life or the lives of your friends/coworkers/partners/what have you. You're kidding yourself thinking they will let you go when you've done whatever they want you to do. Don't do what they want and maybe save some lives. You're a goner anyway. But hey, there's no drama then in the story and we can't have Jack save the day with like zero seconds to spare.

--we learn that we've got a new freak girl in town. Okay, so Bill casually touches your arm and he's assaulting you? I knew her gooey story about the nutjob from Homeland Security harrassing her couldn't go without some hitch. I hope all Chem majors aren't that kooky! Now she looks like a looney and Chloe backed her. Now all we need is for not only Homeland to take over CTU, but Buchanon to be hit up with sexual harrassment charges. Again, it does not pay to be head of CTU.

--I know I wasn't the only one yelling at the TV, "Don't kill Aaron, please don't kill Aaron!" as rockets blazed at he and Wayne Palmer. The guy is good and we've lost too many soldiers already. Plus, he and the First Lady have to get it on (insert '70s porno music here) before the end of the season. Oh, and is it just me, but if I had a rocket launcher, I'd aim at the biggest freakin' target out there, one that would blow sky high if I hit it--the car? No, I'm going to be silly and make the little men dance in the mud and have a chance to drive away, totally missing them with my huge, huge, rockets. Ah, television...

Chloe O'Brien line of the week: "I guess I'd better not make any mistakes." [Chloe looks at her incredulously] "Yeah."

And here's my patriotic soapbox of the week: Chloe spewing out those stats to Jack in the helicopter as they approaced the plant--about telling the pilot to take a certain position coming in and the intel about how many guards posted, etc--made me think yeah, the guys like Jack get all the admiration and glory, but it must be tough as hell to be an analyst because people's lives depend on the intel you give them. If it's wrong--as we've seen on a global war scale--it screws up everything and people may die. And these people are real, so next time you bump into a government drone who either is an analyst or works with some in our fair town, give them some props because really, they do a hell of a job and I know they're not getting a TV series out of it...well, maybe Chloe would :)

So next week: does Jack survive (come on, really, you don't have to tease us); how is Bill going to lead an uprising against Homeland Security...I mean, he really could've used the Hobbit's (Samwise) help in that one; now that the main plot of the canisters has been foiled, what's the obvious-but-not-so-obvious other plotline we've missed so far that will end the season; what the hell does Wayne Palmer know that's so important he's jacking up the First Lady's assistant (disturbing amount of violence toward women this season by the fellas); will we be lucky and not get another does of President No Balls--er, I mean, Logan? All these and many more questions, next week on 24!!!!

24 This Week: 3/20/06

First, I've got to get this random rant out:
Okay, I'm watching Sportscenter and there's this new Hooters ad...ladies reading this, don't turn away yet! So this Hooters ad comes on and it's where they're advertising they have crab legs for 7.99 a pound. One perky little lady motivates the other perky little ladies to go out and sell them. Later on, the perky motivator doesn't understand why they're not selling more of the crab legs and one of the others comes up and says it's too expensive. You see, in all their giddyness, the girls have been weighing customers and charging 7.99/pound by how much THE CUSTOMER weighs! Isn't that hilarious!? NOT!

I don't know whether I should laugh or cry about this commercial. One part of me wants to take them to task for perpetuating the stereotype of their restaurant and the women who work there, but the other part of me applauds them for reveling in who they are and their "image." I know, I'm getting all philosophical over freakin' Hooters. I'll stop right now....

I don't know, is it just me or did it seem to take forever for Monday to get here? It seems like we haven't had "24" in ages for some reason. But it's here and I've got to say....I liked it.

It was a marked improvement over last week's show. And yes, folks who were naive enough to think it couldn't be so, they killed off the Tone-ster. Tony Almeida, may you happily be reunited with your wife. Jack WILL avenge you! :)

So no, there were no fancy smancy explosions this week-- Aaron didn't shoot out any flamethrowers-- and no one died a horrible or honorable death, but the end delivered on what "24" has been known for...the last 2 minutes of the show. But now on to the details....

What did we learn this week...

-- That this week it was at 3 minutes into show-proper (after the "Previously on 24" stuff) that I uttered that phrase that pays, "You are such a frackin' idiot." Yes, that's right folks, it took no time at all for our resident President Logan to rattle my cage. Dude, martial law didn't work for Bruce Willis in "The Siege," why is it going to work for you? (See "The Siege" by the way if you haven't in a while. While it sort of takes the whole NY-under-martial-law thing a little over the top, it's actually more topical now in a post-911 world with its internment of Middle Eastern people. And great performances abound with Tony Shaloub, Annette Bening, and Mr. Denzel Washington. Rent it today!)
But I digress...So Logan can't see the shifty-eyed Vice Prez totally making his play for power. The man looks like a humanoid snake and he trusts him. I smell disaster coming on, which is good for me cause then maybe it'll get this yo-yo out of office.


--Once again, people do not know who the f--- they're dealing with when they deal with Jack Bauer. German agent drops out of the sky (by the way, my "Lost" folks, wasn't it good to see Desmond again? We wondered where ya went, you nutty guy!) and says he's not helping Jack b/c it'll compromise his operation. Dude, Jack should've bitch slapped him right there, but he played it cool, secret agent man to secret agent man. I am sort of disappointed they did the whole dissolved disc thing because Jack is many things, but he is not a liar, but as we know, everything in this show happens for a reason. Something tells me this is not the last we see of a pissed off Desmond and he has a role to further play.

--which leads me into another common theme we have for "24"...the show sets up that so many people are out to get Jack that, by the end of the season, we don't know who will "take him out" (I put that in quotes because we all know you can't REALLY kill Jack Bauer...right?) So now we have Desmond pissed off at Jack, Homeland Security chica not liking the food Jack's servin', President Logan may still in some way sell out Jack to save face, and the Russian peeps running around with the gas who helped in framing Jack in the first place. A rogue's gallery any super bad ass would be envious of. Oh, and I forgot the Chinese who, if they find out Jack's alive, will send him somewhere to be very, very painfully tortured for a long, long time.

--and we learn in the ending that Audrey may be in on the terrorist activity. I'm sorry, I truly did not see that one coming. Man, Jack's taste in women truly, truly sucks; it nearly rivals the efforts of internal security at CTU. Maybe the woman from two seasons ago (I forget the character name, but Sarah Wynter played her) is the only woman in his life that hasn't betrayed or put him in crazy, silly danger. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0944077/photogallery-scrapbook-0 I've got to admit, I can't wait to see how they spin this one, cause they either have to plausibly get Audrey off the hook, but keep us guessing that maybe she really is a bad guy, or she is as evil and diabolical as Nina Myers, and THAT was good television.

There was no winner in the Chloe O'Brien Best Line of the Week Award. Zip. I didn't get one good one from even Chloe this week's show. If you have a fav line from the show this week, please share. Speak up, America!

So next week, the thrill is gone for Jack and Audrey if that choke-hold in the preview was any indication...Bill still has to prove CTU has what it takes to find the gas...the bad guys make their move, but looks like CTU may be there in time to stop them...and what the hell is so important Peter Weller is running down Wade Palmer before he can talk to Aaron? I mean, I'm stumped about that one, too. How freakin' prescient was President Palmer? He knew Cummings was bad and evidently he's got something on the gas and/or Peter Weller. Damn, Palmer was good. Like I said, this week not big on boom boom, but definitely good with the intrigue. It kept me watching and hopefully you, too.

Also, here's a shameless plug, but she gives me love on her site, and I'm happy to do it on mine: my buddy Sue has a blog on Blogger.com, and she's a waaaay better writer than me. Read on as she waxes poetic on mostly movie reviews, but other musings as well. You can catch her at:
http://www.suedisco.blogspot.com/

24 This Week: 3/13/06

Okay, so after the harrowing events of last week's two hour extravanganza of the non-stop season of "24," the thought is that this week's episode would keep the pace and live up to what those two hours built up. Um, not so fast.

I've had many conversations about this, and I'm sorry, I've got to put the hater hat on and say this episode wasn't that good. I can be a big guy and admit maybe the things they did in the two hour blitz raised the bar a little too high and because this episode wasn't as good, I'm being unduly negative, but it just wasn't that good to me. I will admit, it's a filler episode. The writers dug themselves in this hole of having CTU attacked, people dying--especially poor Edgar--and made good drama. The following episode had to be them getting out of this dramatic situation. I just didn't think it was all that and done particularly well. That said, there's still stuff we learned:

What did we learn this week:
-- Jack is still The Man. Out of everyone stuck in the room, who did everyone listen to? Who was the only one willing to hold his breath and go through the wall to get to the computer? Jack Bauer. Recognize. Just make the man a statue already and his birthday a national holiday.

--That said, Peter Weller's no joke either. Another problem I had with this episode is the old trick of a super badass faking his vital signs only to rise up and wreak havoc on unsuspecting folks. Weller looks like he's in a coma, and has been injected with this horrible drug forever, and pops up and escapes. Too easy. I mean, he's a badass cause he got the jump on Jack and can resist torture, but come on. I hope they catch him cause he shouldn't be able to get too far.

--And on that note, when you want to kill somebody, make up your mind before you wield the weapon. Tony, I love ya, but man, if you're going to hover over a superbadass, use the needle, don't hesitate. We see what can happen. So boys and girls, when choosing to kill someone you think is unconscious either: A) knock that fool in the head and make sure he's out and THEN use something to kill them, B) make up your mind you're going to do it, get the weapon, and have at it, or C) do what Cameron suggested and just blow the opponent away with a gun. Distance weapons, people. No need to get all down and dirty.

--Using my "You are such an idiot" ratings system, this episode should've been a five-star, cause I didn't say until the end when President Logan's waxing poetic about his day and CRYING. The President is CRYING. And saying he doesn't know how much more he can take. Oh, please. Instead of trying to find the gas, they should be trying to find Logan's cajones, cause he has NONE! God, I hate this guy. Interestingly enough, I read an article with the actor playing Logan and he says people come up to him on the street and say anything from "You're no David Palmer" to more...let's say colorful things, and he doesn't know how to take it. He's proud he's doing a good job with the character, but man, is he going to be typecasted in the future.

--That tenure does not matter on this show as far as your character's death/exit. Lynn McGill, the Hobbit, dies heroically saving about 20 people in CTU. Tony Almeida--Mr. Michelle Dessler as I know him--dies waffling over the bad guy who then sticks some bad potion in his chest cavity. Not good. I'm alright with Lynn sacrificing himself b/c the whole thing was his fault. And it pays into my theory of no good can come from being head of CTU (George Mason, sacrifices saving everyone from a nuke; Jack's losses; Tony almost going to jail over being a traitor to save Michelle; and like I said, the lady last year). Bill Buchanon, watch your back! But Tony is a great character and deserved to go out more honorably. I almost would've preferred him to be in Lynn's place in the story, but I understand why they did it. I would've even preferred Peter Weller just shot Tony in the back, making it all the more about revenge when Jack gets his hands on him. But stabbed in the heart with the needle? Nah. Also, that little bit with the security guard with Lynn calling his family and stuff? Didn't need it. They wasted sentiment on a character I didn't give a rat's ass about. Sad he had to sacrifice through no fault of his own, but they didn't build up for me to feel anything for him as he talked to his daughter. Waste of plot to me.

--best line of the week goes to Chloe with the "I woke up in bed with a man I'll probably never see again and just watched my best friend die, so I'm not having a good day." Runner up was Chloe again with "What is it with you and breathing? Does that solve everything?"

--Kiefer's a great actor. Since about, I'd say Season three, we've seen maybe one or two moments a season where we actually see the day's effect on Jack. This time, it was done perfectly with him after he asked Lynn and the security guard to sacrifice themselves, and you saw it when Kim tells him she doesn't want to be around him and Audrey comes to comfort him. Great stuff.

Like I said, not a great episode, but necessary to get them out of the hole they dug themselves into with the previous episodes. Let's hope getting back on the main storyline brings back the action. And I can't wait to see how the surviving CTU folks we know and love thwart Homeland Security, who are arriving to bring the smackdown on them. Oh, and I think this is the end of what we've seen of Kim this season, which is fine b/c you get a little of Jack's soft side, and now she's gone, so poof, he can disappear again. And for those who didn't get the Pony Boy reference in the last blog (credit to those that used their own means to figure it out), C. Thomas Howell, Kim's boyfriend, played that role in Francis Ford Coppolla's "The Outsiders" way back in the day. Come on, people, you've got to have the IMDB and Google open when ya read this blog! :) Till next week....

24 This Week: 3/6/06

Wow. Man. Wow.

Originally I was going to start this blog with the line, "No one can out-Chloe another coworker like Chloe, cause then people die" -- regarding Edgar's dismissal of Claire's hunch and trying to bring it to Edgar's attention, spelling her own certain doom in going to check it out.

But then I saw the end of the show. Wow. Man. Wow.

I'm going to be honest, I didn't think they'd do it. I thought surely he'd either make it in one of the rooms or get out. But as he turned the corner, I swear I sat there a good five minutes, hand to my mouth, eyes wide open. I ain't gonna lie, I don't know if it was because I didn't blink for the five minutes or I genuinely took in this harrowing moment--it was probably a little of both--but my eyes watered. I was and am blown away. I want to quickly say a thanks to my 24 buddies at work who, while telling me it's the best episodes of 24 they've seen this year, if not ever, they DID NOT give away the ending. I already thought it was great. The ending was just the icing on the cake. Wow. Man. Wow. Edgar, rest in peace, amigo. At least he's with his mom who was also another innocent victim. God, I sound like I'm giving the guy a eulogy...but man, it's Edgar!!!! Alright, let me get to the rest of the show:

What did we learn this week:

--that 24 is one of the best shows on TV, period. Yes, as fans know, it lapses somewhere in hour 7 with some absurd plotline that tests our faith in the series, let alone plausibility. BUT WE COME BACK. They make it too good overall for us to leave. How good is this show? It passes the legendary show test: we all know Jack Bauer is the baddest mo' fo' in the universe (second is David Palmer), super agent extraordinaire. We want to name our children after him. But for almost a good part of the Hour 1 of the 2-hour special, we don't really see Jack. We deal with the supporting characters and their situations. And that's the test: we actually care! We don't sit there going, "Show Jack, show Jack," we're actually invested in what's going on with them and in their story. All -- ALL -- great shows have this, and 24 proved it. Bravo to the writers and creators for building 5 years of investment well.

--I started singing "Secret Lovers" when Aaron and the First Lady held hands. If I were married to Logan, I'd like a Secret Service agent with backbone who cooly blew up a flamethrower, too. Look for Marty to start requesting Aaron on her details wherever she goes...and it ain't just for taking a bullet ;)

-- ...which leads me to my "Dear, God, you're an idiot" moment for President Logan this week. Grant you, it doesn't come until Hour 2, but declaring martial law on L.A.?!!!! Are you smoking weed? Does this man do nothing but take the advice of others and do whatever sounds right? Can he be this...inept? This stupid?! Everyone, say it with me now: "Pull out a gun and shoot him....PLEASE." I can't stand this. He's driving me to drink here! The only thing I can give him is that he did have the balls to stay with the call to let the terrorists gut the motorcade, but he shouldn't have made that deal in the first place. But I'm telling you, if they end this season with this dude still in office, oh, there will be a reckoning. I will rain fire down on Keifer and Joel Surnow and at least beg them to assasinate him in the first minute of the next season (see, I never said I'd stop watching. I love me some Jack Bauer, man!)

--Okay, okay, again, thanks to everyone for not revealing that Pony Boy Curtis is dating Kim Bauer. And what's with the goatee?! He has not aged well, but it could be the "look" they're giving his character. And Cameron, you were right. The best line award this week goes to when he starts mouthing off at Jack and Jack goes, "Kim," and dude is asked to leave the room. There's no threats, Jack doesn't even get in his face, it's just one word. That's Jack Bauer. I swear, I yelled at the TV, "Do you know who you are f-in' with, Pony Boy?"

--- and then Chloe mouths the words "Edgar," watching him die.....Wow. Man. Wow.

--So Tony asks Bill Buchanon who's responsible for killing Michelle and he gives him...Peter Weller? Oh, the man who happens to also be at CTU AND, due to the lockdown, is now in medical with Tony? Oh, I wonder if Tony will find out who he is, I don't know. Yes, that was sarcasm. :) So Bill couldn't tell him the Russian guy (Julian Sands)? Couldn't even tell him the man MOST directly responsible for killing Michelle was killed by Jack. Noooooo, we have to create conflict. Damn writers...

--CTU and security...come on, guys. I mean, I've got to admit, that was well done in that at least this bad guy went to a lot of trouble to obtain a card. But this place is a disaster when it comes to internal security. It's blown up in one season and now a lethal gas kills 40% of the personnel? They'd better offer a hell of a dental plan to employees.

------- and there's no sound when they count down to the end of the show cause they know we're just sitting there speechless and there's absolutely no way we think they've really killed Edgar. Wow. Man. Wow.

--Jack shoots JoBeth Williams. I could've gone either way on this. I didn't know if he was going to use her against him or not honestly. I know Jack is capable of it, but he believed she didn't know anything, so maybe he wouldn't shoot her? But when he did, man. That's just cold Weller still wouldn't give up the secrets. Women, take note: would your man let you take a bullet rather than give up a conspiracy to unleash poisoinous gas in Los Angeles? Think about it, cause you know it'll happen to, oh, everyone someday.

--Oh, and people are stupid in dealing with criminals. Exhibit A: Do you really think a dude is just going to hand over $20,000 for a security card? To a top secret (so they say) government facility? And he's not going to just kill you and keep the money? Come on! Exhibit B: when the CTU infiltrator takes the guard hostage...come on, man! You think once that guy gets the access out he needs, he's not going to kill you? That you'll be a bargaining chip? You're a security guard? You ain't Jack Bauer! You're expendable! At least say no and force him to drag your dead fingerprint around to get what he needs. Maybe it's just me, but I know no amount of bargaining in the world is going to make the bad guys change their mind. I'm not going to make it easier on them to do harm. Criminals are baaaaaaaad. You don't matter to them.

But man, what a great 2 hours. It's as Cameron said, they did everything that makes 24 great. Edgar...man. wow. man. I thought I was hurt by Michelle dyin'. So lingering questions:
where does Lynn end up in all of this? Did he make it out of his cell or is he holed up in CTU? Does the Russian President believe Logan when he says his wife's just looney, or does he suspect something? I can only dream cause that would get the loser out of office. Will Aaron and the First Lady run away together far away from the pressures of the White House? Will someone just make Mike Novak the President and call it a day? How long does anyone give Pony Boy before he says something to Jack and Jack has to either A) kill him or B) hurt him reeeeal bad?
All this and more next week! And this time I hope not to be too swamped with work to write!