24 This Week 2/28/06

"You don't kill Jack Bauer. You only piss him off enough to torture you longer."

It's been said "24" would make a GREAT drinking game and I'm inclined to agree. The possibilities are endless. Drink every time Chloe gives a great zinger (twice if it's to Edgar)... Drink every time the words "CTU" are mentioned (THAT'S a hangover waiting to happen)... Drink whenever someone gets fired... and my personal favorite -- and guaranteed party all drink -- drink when Jack kills someone. This week's episode doesn't fail to disappoint...sorta.

What we learned this week:
-- I think I can now tell how good an episode is by how long it takes me to utter the phrase "You're an idiot!" right after President Logan does something or says something. If it's well within like, say, 15 minutes of the show, it's a good episode, within 5, we're in trouble. This week, clocking in close to 5 minutos, the minute the Leader of the Free World gets off the phone with his wife, the phrase shoots right out of my mouth. Come on, dude! Grow a pair! But Mike Novick wins the best line trophy this week for "No, it's really that simple," after our fearless leader expounds on the situation the First Lady has gotten him into. FYI: Another "You're an idiot" directly followed at the end of the episode when Logan hangs up with Julian Sands. And people made this dude a Senator in some state along the way?!

--I don't know about you, and grant you Henninger is not a public facility that makes nerve gas for the government, but when was the last time you had to submit a fingerprint AT THE FRONT DESK?! Just a thought. That's some tight ass security. CTU should be implementing this as standard procedure with all the moles and traitors they get every season. But hey, this Omni-nerve gas place also can be hacked into by Chloe, too, so nobody's perfect.

--Anybody that gets the jump on Jack Bauer has GOT to be good. Good to see Peter Weller outside the Robocop suit. Now all we need is for a gazillion ED-209s to show up at CTU, blow everyone away, and the circle would be complete (if you don't know that is, check out the movie or Google it, that's how I figured out its name)...

Oh, but wait, Jack Bauer doesn't get jumped, he only takes a quick nap to figure out how best to kill the fool in front of him.

--I never went through any formal training, but I know people who have AND I've watched a lot of this crap on Nat Geo and Discovery, and I believe the first thing you do when someone's shooting at your motorcade is DRIVE AWAY! Something tells me the best course of action is NOT to suddenly jump out of the car, guns blazing! Idiots! You protect the inhabitants and get away from the ambush to a more secure location! My law enforcement peeps, help me out here. Am I wrong? It was just dumb. Here, Mr. Terrorist, let me parallel park to give you full view of the limo in the sights of your gigantic bazooka. Please. "Thanks, signed....the terrorists."

--But on that note, Aaron, the Secret Service lead, is DA MAN and gets the Chloe O'Brien Kickass Award this week. My man wakes up, takes out his service weapon and literally vaporizes the opposition by shooting at the flamethrower's gas tank. I'm sorry, that was cool as all get out.

--The giants take over Hobbiton! Poor Samwise. He's going to little Hobbit jail to be put in a little Hobbit straight jacket. I want to see hands of people who really think he'll get anyone in Division to listen to him after they show what a raving loon he was. Oh, and your sister and the pimp still have your ID card. Explain that one to Mr. Frodo.

--Oh, another drinking game for this season only is drink when Audrey asks Jack an utterly useless question. Okay, so I'm calling in so you can give me a info and you're grilling me about my lead? Lucky the writers couldn't think of a better way to give out exposition or Jack would be saying, "Woman, look, I love you, I'm still going to leave at the end of this, but if you don't stop wastin' my time with 20 questions, I'm going to put this glock in yo' ass." And yes, Jack talks like Shaft every once in awhile...the Samuel L. Jackson Shaft, not Richard Roundtree--more angry. Audrey, come on. Even Chloe knows better than to do this stuff and she just lets ANYTHING come out of her mouth.

All in all, not as good as last week's episode, but it was for filling in the blanks, introducing Peter Weller as a baddie, and seeing yet another way Logan has to weasel his way out of a disasterous PR problem. This guy needs more help than Bode Miller.

NEXT WEEK: Two hours of pulse-pounding excitement! Will Tony peel back the bandages and break out into "Music of the Night?" Jack puts the hurtin' on Peter Weller! Will Martha leak to anyone but Aaron that her husband has no cajones? And aw, yeah...the return of everyone's favorite mischief maker, Kim Bauer! All the players are back, baby! Well, except for that awesome All State agent in the sky, David Palmer....

24 This Week: 2/20/06

Okay, kids, so what have we learned from this week's 24:

-When Jack Bauer tells you to do something, you do it or you die. I mean, come on, Nathanson! Jack says he's got your back, he's got your back! I mean, it's just Jack vs. a helicopter! Sit there, watch him take it out, give him the info. But no, we want to help shoot it down. And now you're dead. Idiot!

-This season, if not just this single episode, should be shown in every civics and government class in every high school and college in America. Why? It illustrates how incredibly CRUCIAL it is to pick a good Vice President. President Logan is a tool, let's face it. Now, I don't know about you, but I'll admit, in past elections, I'm like most people: I don't give the Vice Presidential candidate much of a glance. I listen, I take in at least who he is and his background. But I don't really pay that much attention to what kind of leader he seems to be. Yes, I know this is just a TV show, but you'd better believe after seeing 24, I'm going to totally pay attention to the Veep in every election from now until the day I die. This dude could be in office someday! I have my problems with the current administration, but at least I know when the chips are down, Cheney could take over for Dubya and probably do the job better...although we'll probably invade a few countries, no one would see Cheney except once a year, and mysteriously major corporations would be making money, not losing it. But I know he's a decent leader! We just need to put a microwave next to him to take him out if he gets out of line...or wave a cheeseburger.

I mean, are they trying to make us hate Logan, 'cause they're certainly not making him a sympathetic character, just pathetic. I'll say it in every blog/email I do of this show: This dude better be dead when this is all over, I don't care if they make Mike Novick president in his place. The man gets a phone call directly from the terrorist and what is his response?! "I don't want to talk to him, isn't there someone else?" Dude, this isn't Johnny telling you he has a reason he was kissing Susie under the bleachers at the school dance! Logan might as well have been up in his room, head in a pillow crying, with fuzzy slippers on and a pint of Breyers. This is the man who has 19 canisters of nerve gas ready to use and you can't handle a negotiation? And why didn't they include CTU in on any of this once they hung up? If you're looking for someone to help you figure out what to do, um, wouldn't you call the guys whose job it is to actually deal with terrorists? Just a thought.

-Lynn is losing it, big time. The teaser shows that a coup de tat is imminent next week...either that or everyone's figured out they're working for a hobbit and they want to cash in with the National Inquirer. Lynn's got to know, anyone who let's his ass get kicked by a junkie pimp and his sister can't hold a position of authority. "Give me my card back"...."Audrey, you do not want to make an enemy of me, I promise you"....come on, man. You're Rudy! Get some pads on and get out on the field. Oh, and he should know things don't ever go well for a head of CTU. He should've just let Bill stay in charge, stayed in the background, and he wouldn't be having these problems. I mean, every head of CTU=problems. Tony Almeida-- blown all to hell, loses his wife. The lady last year -- crazy daughter who commits suicide under your watch. And Jack when he was head of CTU -- we all know that story. The moral of the story: don't be head of CTU. No good can come from it.

--Nice to see the guy from the movie "Warlock," Julian Sands, getting work. Missed seeing him.

--So how many people think that Martha got in the limo with the Soviet President out of guilt or to force her husband's hand to actually be a President? The way they set it up, it looked like guilt to me, but doing what she did may just avert World War 3 (sorry for the hyperbole, the show's rubbing off on me)

--and where's Kim like we were promised?! I want to see what kind of trouble she can get into in which Jack will somehow need to sacrifice himself.

And the winner of the Needless But Satisfying Death Award of The Week:
Erwich. 'cause even if you think you're the main man, there's always another main man ready to take you out should you mouth off and/or screw up. Rest in peace, comrade.

NEXT WEEK: Mutiny at CTU! Jack pays another visit to a building in downtown LA and goes all Neo again in the lobby! And no Edgar this week, will he return!? And what is up with my man Tony! They killed off the lovely Michelle for you, so they have to justify this to me somehow in the story. Tune in folks, same bat-time, same bat-channel...

World Champs

Okay, so after much needling and prodding by my coworkers, and the vast amount of my friends' rantings and ravings online on everything from the Wizards, to movie reviews, to their children, I've finally decided to throw my hat into the ring. And I thought of no better subject for my inaugural blog than...the NFL World Champions, my team, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Oh, yes, you will see a million-- or have already seen-- a million articles, sites, tattoos, various discreet and indiscreet crimes associated with my beloved Steelers. My blog? Well, perhaps I haven't had the chance to peruse all the related material to their stunning win in the Motor City, but every recap I HAVE read, hasn't talked about the true fact that this team, this Steeler team, was a team of destiny.

I know what you're saying. Yadda, yadda, yadda, everybody thinks when their team wins the big one, their team is the "Team of Destiny." But people, I'm serious. I mean, look at the facts -- and here's where I won't bore you with the entire season, just the playoffs:

We go up against Cincinnati first -- the Bungles, who finally look like THE BENGALS and have won our division. They crap all over us in our second meeting of the year. Some people attributed their ascendancy this year to a weak schedule, and to some extent that's true. But if you only used that, you'd be doing this team a huge disservice. Chad Johnson-- you tell me he won't be a top ten, if not top five receiver picked in fantasy drafts next season. Carson Palmer looked like he finally fulfilled the promise a lot of people saw in him. The D was playing great, TJ Houshmanzadeh (you say Houshmanzadah) was a great number two receiver...this team was hitting all cylinders. So when we play them in the opening rounds of the playoffs, take away the fact that we each had won one of the two contests we played against each other in the regular season. This was for pride. So the Bengals first play from scrimmage, Palmer throws up a loogie to Chad, he catches it--beating our secondary I've always thought questionable--and it looks like it's going to be one of those days. Flash back to Palmer...lying on the ground...in pain. Now, I've watched football since I was a kid. I've seen the Joe Theismann leg break on TV when it happened. I saw when Roy Williams horsecollared T.O. in the regular season to make him miss every game until LAST year's Superbowl. I'm no doctor, but the roll Von Olhoffen took to Palmer's leg didn't look that bad to me. I'm sorry. Blame my untrained eyes. I thought he'd just go off for a quarter or two, maybe a sprain, he'd come back. ACL and MCL injury....MAY make it to training camp, if not the beginning of the season. On a play IN THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME, and on one that I honestly thought the hit wasn't that bad, we accidentally took away the field general. It was then I knew the Football Gods were smiling on us. Jon Kitna, contrary to popular belief, is not a bad quarterback. Just a season ago, he led the Bengals almost to the post season if I recall. He played well in Seattle when he was there. But he's no Carson Palmer. We won, 31-17. Just hands down beat the pants off of 'em. Destiny enters the picture.

So we get to the Colts. Probably the biggest debacle on Monday Night Football ever in the regular season...okay, that's just in the minds of us Steelers fans, but for us it's like number two nightmare behind the Neil O'Donnell Super Bowl (there's no number to this Super Bowl. It is simply known to us as the Neil O'Donnell Bowl). But needless to say, in that MNF contest, we looked like Master P against Fred Astaire in a dancing contest. So the oddsmakers, the fans, any sane individual would be right in picking the Colts, who almost went undefeated all season, who were the odds-on favorite to get to the Super Bowl if not outright win it. And then we played. It was beautiful to watch as a Steelers fan because even though doubt always clouds a game for us, there's a nugget of hope. And as that game goes along and we play well, that hope grows, and grows, and grows and we become the loudest mo' fo's you ever had in your bar. I won't even get into the bad calls, the penalties, and the Troy Palamalou interception that was a key play of the game not only for possession, but for what happened next, but let's say the Colts were fighting the Football Gods something fierce. You gotta respect that. But I say again...Team O' Destiny. We just need to give Jerome the ball at the one, he gets an easy TD to keep the clock running and we go on to the Broncos. There's the fumble. The dude whose wife STABBED him, was not expected to even play in the game, picks up the ball....and makes the dumbest decision he'll ever remember. His right side completely clear along the sideline, he instead goes to the middle of the field where Ben Rothlisberger makes what is now known as...The Tackle. Saves our season. If the Colts score on that run back, there is no way we are winning that game. Period. So the Colts --man, I've got to find their mojo and sell it -- still manage to get in field goal range that can tie up the game and send it into overtime. No fan wants their team who's winning to go into overtime by the way. It reeks of doom and a long night of picking up pieces of your TV after you've thrown it when your team does something idiotic to let the other team win. So out comes the most reliable kicker in the NFL, the Drunken Kicker. It's something like 30, 40 yards, no problem for this guy. He misses. And he doesn't just miss...he misses SPECTACULARLY. No bad snap. No bad foot plant. No block on it. The ball just...doesn't go through the uprights. To quote Al Micheals: "Do you believe in miracles? Yes!"

So here come the Broncos. Jake Plummer has been on fire all season and has been the Jake the Snake of old with no mistakes and getting his team to the playoffs. But they didn't even have half the mojo to thwart the Football Gods that the Colts did because it wasn't even really hard. I didn't get to watch this game all the way live; I was working so I Tivo-ed it. I watched the second half live and thought, "Was the whole game like this?" and many people said yes. But when I watched the replay, I thought the Broncos were giving it to the Steelers...for about a quarter. Then we opened the can of whoopass on 'em. Another team that had been projected to go far into the playoffs, was playing stellar football on both sides of the ball all season long, and us-- the number six seed -- were going to the Super Bowl. Sure we had fancy gimmicks, but for the most part, we played what is now Steeler football: passing to set up the run. Hadn't been done in a lot of years, but look where it got us when we did it in the '70s, and look what happened at Super Bowl XL. And so we get to the Super Bowl, in Detroit this year, the hometown of the fifth leading rusher in NFL history who happens to be playing for our team and is thinking retirement. This year would probably be his last and they ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO THE SUPERBOWL. You know the rest.

I recently wore my XL gear to work, my hat and my shirt. Again started up the "Oh, it should have an asterik by it," and the "the refs wanted you guys to win like they wanted the Colts to win when you played them." I laugh at all these whinings, but I have issues with them. If you're going to use the Colts analogy, look what happened! We won DESPITE the refs blowing calls in the Colts favor. That should tell you, it can be done if a team gets its head out of its ass and tries to win a game, not use poor clock management, drop balls, and commit penalties. Honestly, I feel for Seahawk fans. At one point or another, every team feels robbed of a win by refs, and because its the Super Bowl, it's just way bigger than every other time. And I will give them that the push off call on Darrell Jackson was a ticky tack foul--but it was a foul. And I will give them that the holding call that called back the one-yard line catch by Stupid Loudmouth TE, aka Jeremy Stevens, was not a hold. And I will say the penalty assessed to them because of Matt Hasselbeck's supposed "illegal tackle" was nonexistent. But everything else in that game, they should have been able to overcome. Yeah, it's hard to overcome stuff when you feel the refs, and the world, is against you, so it's hard for you to win, to muster up that extra effort. But isn't that what's called character? It's been said many a time that football, and most other sports for that matter, is a game about heart. If you have the strong enough heart, if you have the strong enough character, if you want to WIN bad enough, you overcome that stuff and just freakin' win the game. So no more whining, Seattle fans. I fully expect that now that the players know what's expected of them going into that event, what they need to do as a team to survive, they just might win if they get there again next year. If they can put down their lattes long enough ;)

Team of Destiny, ya'll. Jerome, I'm glad we could send you out on top, baby...