24 This Week 2/28/06

"You don't kill Jack Bauer. You only piss him off enough to torture you longer."

It's been said "24" would make a GREAT drinking game and I'm inclined to agree. The possibilities are endless. Drink every time Chloe gives a great zinger (twice if it's to Edgar)... Drink every time the words "CTU" are mentioned (THAT'S a hangover waiting to happen)... Drink whenever someone gets fired... and my personal favorite -- and guaranteed party all drink -- drink when Jack kills someone. This week's episode doesn't fail to disappoint...sorta.

What we learned this week:
-- I think I can now tell how good an episode is by how long it takes me to utter the phrase "You're an idiot!" right after President Logan does something or says something. If it's well within like, say, 15 minutes of the show, it's a good episode, within 5, we're in trouble. This week, clocking in close to 5 minutos, the minute the Leader of the Free World gets off the phone with his wife, the phrase shoots right out of my mouth. Come on, dude! Grow a pair! But Mike Novick wins the best line trophy this week for "No, it's really that simple," after our fearless leader expounds on the situation the First Lady has gotten him into. FYI: Another "You're an idiot" directly followed at the end of the episode when Logan hangs up with Julian Sands. And people made this dude a Senator in some state along the way?!

--I don't know about you, and grant you Henninger is not a public facility that makes nerve gas for the government, but when was the last time you had to submit a fingerprint AT THE FRONT DESK?! Just a thought. That's some tight ass security. CTU should be implementing this as standard procedure with all the moles and traitors they get every season. But hey, this Omni-nerve gas place also can be hacked into by Chloe, too, so nobody's perfect.

--Anybody that gets the jump on Jack Bauer has GOT to be good. Good to see Peter Weller outside the Robocop suit. Now all we need is for a gazillion ED-209s to show up at CTU, blow everyone away, and the circle would be complete (if you don't know that is, check out the movie or Google it, that's how I figured out its name)...

Oh, but wait, Jack Bauer doesn't get jumped, he only takes a quick nap to figure out how best to kill the fool in front of him.

--I never went through any formal training, but I know people who have AND I've watched a lot of this crap on Nat Geo and Discovery, and I believe the first thing you do when someone's shooting at your motorcade is DRIVE AWAY! Something tells me the best course of action is NOT to suddenly jump out of the car, guns blazing! Idiots! You protect the inhabitants and get away from the ambush to a more secure location! My law enforcement peeps, help me out here. Am I wrong? It was just dumb. Here, Mr. Terrorist, let me parallel park to give you full view of the limo in the sights of your gigantic bazooka. Please. "Thanks, signed....the terrorists."

--But on that note, Aaron, the Secret Service lead, is DA MAN and gets the Chloe O'Brien Kickass Award this week. My man wakes up, takes out his service weapon and literally vaporizes the opposition by shooting at the flamethrower's gas tank. I'm sorry, that was cool as all get out.

--The giants take over Hobbiton! Poor Samwise. He's going to little Hobbit jail to be put in a little Hobbit straight jacket. I want to see hands of people who really think he'll get anyone in Division to listen to him after they show what a raving loon he was. Oh, and your sister and the pimp still have your ID card. Explain that one to Mr. Frodo.

--Oh, another drinking game for this season only is drink when Audrey asks Jack an utterly useless question. Okay, so I'm calling in so you can give me a info and you're grilling me about my lead? Lucky the writers couldn't think of a better way to give out exposition or Jack would be saying, "Woman, look, I love you, I'm still going to leave at the end of this, but if you don't stop wastin' my time with 20 questions, I'm going to put this glock in yo' ass." And yes, Jack talks like Shaft every once in awhile...the Samuel L. Jackson Shaft, not Richard Roundtree--more angry. Audrey, come on. Even Chloe knows better than to do this stuff and she just lets ANYTHING come out of her mouth.

All in all, not as good as last week's episode, but it was for filling in the blanks, introducing Peter Weller as a baddie, and seeing yet another way Logan has to weasel his way out of a disasterous PR problem. This guy needs more help than Bode Miller.

NEXT WEEK: Two hours of pulse-pounding excitement! Will Tony peel back the bandages and break out into "Music of the Night?" Jack puts the hurtin' on Peter Weller! Will Martha leak to anyone but Aaron that her husband has no cajones? And aw, yeah...the return of everyone's favorite mischief maker, Kim Bauer! All the players are back, baby! Well, except for that awesome All State agent in the sky, David Palmer....